Final Fantasy 007: The Golden Materia
by Double A1
Summary: What's the secret behind the golden materia? Is Seph back for more? R
1. Vincent's Intro

::James Bond Theme Cues up...::  
  
Vincent walks across the screen as a gun barrel follows him. At the end of the screen, Vincent turns and fires. The barrel wavers back and forth as red trickles down the screen.  
  
Mako Weapons Facility, Nibelheim  
  
  
Two SOLDIERs stand post in front of laboratory doors. One is barely staying awake while the other is busy reading Shin-Ra Gaming Monthly. The one reading nudges his comrade.  
  
"Not now Mom... Tifa and I are just getting to know each other..." the sleeping soldier groaned. The man slapped him in the back of the head. "Huh?"  
  
"Stay awake! We're on shift!" the soldier reprimanded him. He passed the magazine over to him. "Take a look at this article." The man looked it over.  
  
"Hmm... That is interesting... Lara, Tifa, and Aya are all two-syllable names that end with "A,"" the soldier read.  
  
"Yeah... Take a look on the next page to see what "A" stands for," the soldier snickered.  
  
"Hey? Do you think Zelda is as hot as these three?" the soldier asked as he turned the page. The other soldier laughed.  
  
Suddenly, the grating above them flies off its hinges. Cloud slides out from inside the duct.  
  
"Hello fellas. Mind if I kill you two to get the action started?" Cloud asked. They looked at each other.  
  
"Well... We-" the soldier began but stopped as Cloud retracted his Ultima Weapon out of his chest. The magazine fell to the floor. The other soldier gasped and turned to run away. Cloud pulled out his silenced FF7. One shot brought the soldier to the ground. Cloud smiled.  
  
"This fanfic... I get to use the gun!" Cloud smirked. He bent down to pick up the magazine. "I'll keep this for later." The sound of soldiers running towards him filled the hallway. Cloud straightened his tie and ran down the hall. Automatic weapons fire as he dodges under a window. Bullets ripple the glass and shatter it. He stops at an intersection and looks at his watch.  
  
"OK... Meet 00 Agent..." Cloud looked around. Scientists scrambled through the laboratories.  
  
"Psst..." someone tapped his shoulder. Cloud turned.  
  
"Dr. Sith I presume?" Cloud asked. Cait Sith nodded. "Gee. You and your huge moogle blend in with the scientists so easily!"  
  
"Sephiroth will meet you in the main storage chamber," Dr. Sith replied. Cloud nodded. "Good luck 007." Cloud nodded.  
  
"Thanks," Cloud dashed on ahead. Cait Sith scratched his head and then looked at his own watch.  
  
"Give 007 Agent door decoder... INCOMPLETE... D'oh!" Cait Sith smacked himself.  
  
  
  
Shots rang out as Cloud bashed one soldier in the face and fired on another. He came to a door requiring a password.  
  
"What?! I need a door decoder! Damn you Sith!" Cloud kicked the door. "I'll show you!" Cloud began to slash at the sealed door with his sword.  
  
"Hey Cloud!" a voice rang out from above him. Cloud blinked and looked up.  
  
"Zack?" Cloud muttered. A battered up Zack hung upside down from a light fixture. "What happened to you?"  
  
"Sephiroth... He smashed me into the ceiling... Cloud... Kill Sephiroth...." Zack groaned.  
  
"Wow! Zack in a fanfic... This is a first," Cloud muttered. "What's the password Zack?"  
  
"¡ ¨ 5 5 " Zack muttered. Cloud typed in the password. The door slowly opened. Cloud walked up a flight of stairs. Sephiroth paced through the tanks, which held the Mako infused monsters.  
  
"Good evening 007," Sephiroth smiled. "For the Planet?"  
  
"For the Planet Sephiroth," Cloud smiled. "I nearly died getting here... And what happened to Zack?" Sephiroth shrugged.  
  
"What does it matter? He took on more than he could handle. We need to get out of here quickly. Is the fuse set?" Sephiroth pushed the matter aside. Cloud walked over to one of the tanks and placed a Timed Mine.  
  
Watch out! This isn't just a reactor!  
  
"Shut up!" Cloud banged his forehead.  
  
"Excuse me?" Sephiroth eyed Cloud.  
  
"Uhh... Nothing. There," Cloud typed in a few codes and placed the mine.  
  
"Setting it for 6 minutes?" Sephiroth asked.  
  
"No, I-" Cloud began. Shots rang out above them. Cloud dashed out of the way. Sephiroth ducked behind one of the tanks.  
  
"Go Cloud! I'll hold them off!" Sephiroth shouted. Cloud shook his head. Bullets rang out between them.  
  
"Sephiroth! Get away from the tanks! I set it for 3 minutes!" Cloud screamed. A little time limit gauge appeared at the bottom left corner of the screen.  
  
"What?" Sephiroth shouted.  
  
"I set it for three minutes!!" Cloud screamed again. A bullet punctured a tank near his head. Sephiroth waved him away.  
  
"Go!" Sephiroth shouted. Cloud scrambled backwards as another barrage of bullets came.  
  
"Damn... Where the hell is Vanish when you need it!" Cloud cursed. He turned back to Sephiroth, who was slashing an S into everyone's shirt. He ran them through, one by one, and then backed behind the tanks as more soldiers arrived. Cloud looked at him watch.  
  
"99:99:99... Damn it! My FF7 clock's run out! I better reset-" Cloud looked up as he heard a shrill tone rise from the mines. The countdown gauge was finished. He sped forward and smashed through a window just as an explosion rocked the entire chamber. Cloud gasped as he looked back.  
  
"Sephiroth!" Cloud screamed. 


	2. The Plan

Cloud glanced down at his computer as he sped around the cliff in the buggy. (Could you believe that the buggy could do over 5 mph?) Tifa sat in the seat next to him with a notepad and a pen.  
  
Note that your next destination is at the Junon Military Facility.  
  
"Already noted..." Cloud muttered to himself. Tifa looked up from her notes.  
  
"Are you watching the road Mr. Strife?" Tifa looked crossly at Cloud. Cloud smiled.  
  
"It's hard to concentrate on anything with you in the car," Cloud returned.  
  
"I'm not rating you on your remarks 007. Just as long as you can drive this vehicle safely," Tifa added. Cloud nodded. He looked back to the computer.  
  
Expect a Russian woman suspect to be the lead in this mission. Good luck on your exam 007.  
  
"Do you know how to operate all equipment recently given to you?" Tifa asked. Cloud nodded.  
  
"Already taken care of," Cloud tapped the controls. The back seat ejected and crashed through the roof of the car. Cloud checked his rearview mirror as it crashed behind them. "Whoops." Tifa frowned.  
  
"You haven't checked anything!" Tifa growled. Cloud shook his head.  
  
"That isn't true! I know how to use these cup holders!" Cloud tugged at his driver seat cup holders. They refused to pull out. "You stupid-!" Cloud grabbed it with both hands. The car whirled back and forth violently.  
  
"Cloud!" Tifa snapped as she grabbed the wheel. "Don't do that!" Cloud continued to pull.  
  
"Hey! Give me a break. And get your... you know, out of my way! I can't see what I'm doing!" Cloud struggled to see around Tifa. The cup holders groaned and tore out off the compartment. Cloud frowned and tossed them aside. He took the wheel back from Tifa. Tifa grabbed her pad and began writing.  
  
Suddenly, the Tiny Bronco, in car form, pulls up beside them. A dangerous woman is in the driver's seat. Cloud looks over to her. She returns a grim smile and pulls dangerously close to the car. Tifa gasped.  
  
"Hey! What is she doing?" Tifa shifted forward as Cloud jutted to the side. Cloud smiled.  
  
"Playing a little game," Cloud shifted back towards her car and sped up. The girl in the other car proceeded to increase her velocity as well. The two cars pull back and forth, each daring one to cut the other off. Cloud screeched around a corner as the Tiny Bronco pulled ahead of them. Tifa gasped and covered her head.  
  
"Cloud! Stop showing off and slow down! I know what you're doing," Tifa moaned. Cloud changed xeno-gears and sped past the other "car." The driver growled in frustration and then laughed. She increased speed to meet up with Cloud.  
  
Meanwhile, a group of chocobo riders were heading down the street in the opposite direction. Neither Cloud nor the opposing car could see them.  
  
The two cars were head on now. Neither was gaining over the other. Suddenly, Cloud slowed down and allowed the girl to pass. She cried out in delight and sped up. Tifa looked to Cloud in confusion.  
  
"Why'd you suddenly stop?" Tifa asked. Cloud shrugged.  
  
"It was in the script," Cloud replied.  
  
"Ah ha! I beat that spikey headed jerk!" Yuffie cried as she raced forward. Suddenly, the chocobos came into view. "Ahhh!" Yuffie jerked to the side to avoid hitting the riders. The car sped off the cliff and exploded. Yuffie's ninja star clattered on the street as 007 and Tifa sped away.  
  
  
  
That's what I would've put if I wasn't already in trouble with the Yuffie lover's of America. So... Instead...  
  
  
  
"Ah ha! I beat that spikey headed jerk!" Yuffie cried as she raced forward. Suddenly, the chocobos came into view. "Ahhh!" Yuffie jerked to the side to avoid hitting the riders. The car sped off the cliff. Yuffie slammed her hand on the controls and the wings opened on the vehicle. Yuffie flew off into the air. She turned back to see 007 and Tifa race away. "I'll get you next time gadget! Next time!" One of the Wutai cats screeched.  
  
  
  
Cloud pulled into the casino on the Costa Del Sol waterfront. He watched as Yuffie hopped out of Cid's plane/boat/car/waffle iron/thing. Cloud slipped out of his car as he slowly followed Yuffie into the casino.  
  
  
  
"Is this the blackjack table?" Yuffie asked Cait Sith. Cait Sith had wandered away from the table and was kicking the slot machine.  
  
"No! I want something for two sevens and a cherry! I want my toy box damn it!!" He kicked the machine again. Suddenly, an anvil fell from the sky and smacked into his head. Cait Sith groaned. The impatient Shinobi tapped him. Cait Sith turned. Yuffie eyed him.  
  
"Would you please come back to the table! I want to play blackjack!" Yuffie growled. They turned to the table and looked in surprise. Cloud was at the table waiting.  
  
"I'll take my hand at it as well," Cloud grinned. Yuffie returned a scornful glance. The three sat at the table. Cait Sith dealt out the first hand to Yuffie and Cloud.  
  
"Hit me," Yuffie replied. Cait Sith wound up his arm.  
  
"With pleasure!" Cait Sith smacked Yuffie across the face. Yuffie cried out and lunged at Cait Sith.  
  
"You stupid cat! I'll kill you!" Yuffie screamed. Cait Sith and Yuffie batted at each other back and forth. Cloud waited impatiently as Yuffie continued to kill Cait Sith. (Can anyone kill Cait Sith?) After ten minutes, Cloud grew bored and left.  
  
  
  
On top of a rooftop, Cloud stared down as two fat chocobo characters threw Yuffie out.  
  
"And stay the hell out of the casino $#&$*!" one of the chocobos shook his wing at her. They walked back into the casino. Yuffie smiled.  
  
"At least I got his wallet," Yuffie grinned. She walked off. Cloud aimed a miniature camera at Yuffie and clicked. The picture enlarged and Cloud was able to get a closer look.  
  
Yuffie Kisaragi. Expert helicopter pilot and materia hunter. Status: Dangerous suspect. You may want to keep away from her Kisaragi. Good luck 007.  
  
"I wonder what a Shinobi pilot is doing here in Costa Del Sol," Cloud said flatly.  
  
  
  
Icicile Area, Military Facility  
  
  
  
Aeris' fingers glided over the keyboard as she accessed her files. As she came to the final file, a protection window popped up showing a video game character in a bikini with a riddle. (I'm not saying who, so I'll let you use your imagination.) Aeris groaned and turned to the computer hacker.  
  
"Hojo," Aeris snapped. Hojo flicked his pen in his fingers as he stared off into space. "Hojo," Aeris repeated. Hojo still stared into space. "Hojo!" Hojo jumped as he came back to reality. He stared over to Aeris. Aeris gestured to the computer with her chin. Hojo glanced to the screen and grinned a mischievous grin.  
  
"Did you figure it out Ancient?" Hojo chimed. Aeris narrowed her eyes.  
  
"What's the access code?" Aeris replied simply.  
  
"I know the answer!" Mayor Domino shouted from behind them.  
  
"Shut up!" Hojo shouted. "You can figure it out by going through each of the folders and finding the one that doesn't fit. Then take the number of that folder and go across the line that numerical amount to find a letter. Unscramble the letters to get the answer," Hojo relayed the instructions. Aeris growled. She reached into her hair and pulled out the white materia. She shook the piece of materia.  
  
"What's the access code?" she asked the materia. A small triangle appeared in the materia.  
  
"Not likely," it read.  
  
"Access code!" Aeris shouted. She shook it again. The triangle resurfaced.  
  
"Sephiroth," Aeris sighed. The answer to the riddle. 'Who kills Aeris, and is the son of a maniacal scientist and teams up with an alien named Jenova.' Aeris was far too lazy to think about the riddle, but that's what her materia was for. Hojo growled over the infernal materia and turned back to his computer. Aeris typed in the code and continued with her work. Just then, General Heiddeger walked into the base.  
  
"Nya ha ha!" Heiddeger chuckled to himself as he watched two Shin-Ra soldiers wheel in a huge steel box.  
  
"Hey general? What is this thing?" one of the soldiers dared ask. Heiddeger shot him a dangerous glance.  
  
"If you fools must know, it is Square's reply to Nintendo's newest attempts to encourage buying the Nintendo 64. With the release of the collector's editions of Zelda in gold framing and the new release of the gold framed N64 in Japan..." Heiddeger explained.  
  
"In Japan! Damn it! I wanted that-" a soldier shouted but stopped as all the other soldiers stared him down, pitying the poor individual. Heiddeger coughed.  
  
"Square, pitying the attempt, decided to release it's very own new gold item. Friends... I present to you..." Heiddeger jammed a key into the lock and turned. The crate opened and a golden piece of materia shimmered in an ornately shaped holder. The soldiers whistled and some whispered to each other.  
  
"This is their way to mock the gold paraphernalia. The Golden Materia! Nya ha ha ha!" Heiddeger clutched his chest. This piece of materia is about as powerful as all three of the Master Materia pieces. The amount of wisdom and intelligence preserved within each facet is immeasurable. Not to mention it controls a really big gun!" The soldiers nodded in approval. "The weapon is known as the Golden Materia satellite, which orbits in space waiting to be fired. It's effects are the shattering of any and all pieces of materia within the area. It was developed during the war with Wutai. Why do you think materia is so rare there?" Aeris shuddered at overhearing the conversation and glanced down at the piece of white materia.  
  
"I couldn't bear this being shattered..." Aeris whispered.  
  
"All answers point to yes," the materia read on a triangle.  
  
  
  
Cloud pulled himself out of the jet ski and onto the ship. He straightened his tie and loaded his FF7. He glanced around the deck and dodged into one of the cabins. He looked at his watch.  
  
"OK... Board the ship undetected COMPLETE. Next objective, kick the #%$^ out of the guy behind me INCOMPLETE," Cloud swung his sword without looking and made contact with the soldier. The soldier went sprawling backwards. The man reached for his fallen gun and Cloud fired a bullet near his hand. The guard pulled back in surprise. Cloud kicked the gun aside. The soldier pulled out another gun. Cloud kicked it out of his hand. This gag continued a few more times (You choose how many) until it got boring and Cloud karate chopped him in the head. The soldier collapsed on the floor. Cloud walked through the pile of guns (Hey! I didn't tell you to make him do that 255 times!) and entered a hallway. He crept into another room, the helicopter pilot's room.  
  
"If they're planning to steal this stealth Shin-Ra plane, I best warn the pilot," Cloud opened the door and looked around. He stepped inside and looked for a clue to where the pilot may be. Cloud gulped. "I really hope they didn't take this scene directly from the movie because..." Cloud opened the closet. A dead Shin-Ra soldier in boxer shorts fell from the closet. Cloud turned white. "No! That's too much... I could understand the real Xenia... But Yuffie? God!" Cloud perished the sickening thought of what Yuffie did and heard applause from the deck. Cloud gasped and dashed out the door. He walked onto deck to see Yuffie and two soldiers preparing to board the Shin-Ra stealth helicopter. Yuffie was waving and blowing kisses until her eyes met Clouds. She winked and hopped onto the plane with the other soldiers. Cloud dashed forward, but two guards blocked his path. He attempted to shove them away, but he couldn't risk starting a fight in the middle of the presentation. The helicopter engine started up and lifted off the ground. Cloud watched helplessly as the helicopter hovered into the bay and out of sight.  
  
  
  
"You shouldn't be hacking into Shin-Ra's main database," Aeris replied as she glanced over to Hojo. He typed furiously at his keyboard.  
  
"The Shin-Ra are fools. They're security is no match for my amazing skill," Hojo entered a few hacking techniques. The computer bleeped in approval. "Yes! I am invincible!" Aeris sighed and turned back to her work. A guard walked up to Heiddeger.  
  
"The mission in Costa Del Sol was a success. Now we simply wait until the helicopter arrives here. It should be no more that an hour now," the soldier relayed the information. Heiddeger grinned.  
  
"Excellent. Are all the preparations made?" Heiddeger inquired. The soldier nodded. Heiddeger waved his hand. "Very well. Get out of my sight then!" The soldier bowed and trotted off and out of the room. A shadow made itself known to Heiddeger in the corner of the room. "Do not worry. You will get your chance when she comes." The shadow nodded.  
  
"I'm going outside to smoke..." Hojo growled. "Even though I don't really encourage being like Cid." Without any further words, Hojo pulled out his jacket and headed outside.  
  
  
  
"I assume that things did not go as planned?" Tifa looked over Cloud. Cloud nodded.  
  
"I managed to spot the pilot, but I don't know who or what would want a stealth helicopter. It was Shin-Ras! So even though they're slime, they wouldn't steal their own technology," Cloud replied, puzzled over the incident. Tifa shrugged.  
  
"We can track the helicopter by Mako trails, but that will take time, which we may not have," Tifa frowned. She turned and walked to a huge screen, displaying the Planet.  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, you're looking more beautiful than usual," Cloud attempted to get on Tifa's good side.  
  
"That's sexual harassment 007, and I don't have to take it," Tifa replied. Cloud frowned.  
  
"Damn Labor laws..." Cloud muttered to himself. They both glanced onto the screen.  
  
  
  
"I'm here!!" Yuffie cried. Neither of the computer technicians looked up or cared. Yuffie frowned. "I was expecting a party." Heiddeger came up behind her. A cameraman suddenly ran up and took a shot of him with Yuffie. Heiddeger growled and shot him with his handgun. Yuffie looked at the man and shrugged. "Hehe... Just like Sephiroth in Nibelheim."  
  
"Thank you for receiving the helicopter Ms. Kisaragi. You have done well," Heiddeger glared at her. Yuffie scratched her head.  
  
"I don't get it. Something's not right here. Aren't I supposed to go on a killing spree now and we fly away in the chopper before this place is blown to bits?" Yuffie tapped her foot. Heiddeger grinned.  
  
"That jobs already been taken," Heiddeger replied. Yuffie's eyes widened in confusion.  
  
"Job? This isn't Final Fantasy Tactics!" Yuffie thought for a minute, "Yes! I'm the one playing Xenia!" Yuffie shouted. Heiddeger stepped away from Yuffie.  
  
"I see you don't understand," Heiddeger stepped over to the photographer. "You were never Xenia. You weren't in Costa Del Sol five years ago... I mean hours ago," Heiddeger messed up the pun I was doing. He plucked a picture from the camera. "Would you like to see the picture? It came out pretty good." Yuffie reluctantly took the photograph.  
  
"Hey! This is you and some other broad. What's her name? She's a sl#& and looks like a man... It was... Umm..." Yuffie looked at the picture.  
  
"Scarlet is the name," Scarlet walked out of the shadows behind her. Yuffie spun around to meet her opponent. "You may now leave this fanfic Yuffie." Scarlet pulled out a gun and fired. Yuffie cried out and ducked behind a computer. Computer Technicians screamed as one of there own slumped dead to the floor. Aeris bit her lip and ducked out of the room, unnoticed.  
  
"Hey! You can't just kill me! I'm Xenia! Y'know! Xenia!" Yuffie ducked as bullets flew past her.  
  
"Kill her," Scarlet commanded his... I mean, her soldiers. They raised their guns just as Yuffie darted past them.  
  
"Shinobi!" Yuffie cried as she scrambled up the stairs. Yuffie's Omnigear screeched to life outside. Yuffie hopped inside just as the other soldiers ran out to catch her. (Xenogears) "I'll be back! You just wait!" Yuffie's gear sped off into the waste wilderness. Scarlet shouted in frustration.  
  
"You damn fools! You let her get away!" Scarlet hissed. Heiddeger came up behind her.  
  
"We don't have to worry about her. We have what we wanted," Heiddeger gestured to the helicopter. Scarlet's face became firm and they returned inside the base. Heiddeger tossed her a key.  
  
"On 3. 1... 2... Oh by the way," Heiddeger began as Scarlet fumbled the key.  
  
"Could we just get on with this!?" Scarlet shouted. Heiddeger blushed.  
  
"Sorry... 3!" Heiddeger and Scarlet jammed the keys into the detonator.  
  
Goldenmateria systems online  
  
"Preparations for departure have been made," a soldier relayed to Heiddeger. Heiddeger nodded as he took a semi-automatic weapon from him.  
  
"Excellent. Have them on standby. Gya ha ha!" Heiddeger tossed Scarlet the gun. Scarlet turned and opened fire on the remaining computer programmers.  
  
Aeris cringed as she heard her comrades pumped full of ammo. She was reminded of the cut scene she mysteriously watched in Shin-Ra mansion basement where Zack got killed, but that's another story entirely. Aeris gasped as she heard Scarlet coming towards her hiding place. She searched the room for an escape route. There was an air duct, a stove, and a few other appliances. She took her chances with her best bet.  
  
Scarlet hissed as she walked into the room. She eyed the area suspiciously. Then she noticed a piece of materia rolling on the floor. It was white with a pale green color. Scarlet picked it up.  
  
"What's this?" Scarlet asked herself. She looked inside it.  
  
"You're really a man," the materia read. Scarlet shrugged and pocketed it. She searched the room for the source of the materia and noticed the open air duct. She fired a few rounds into the duct, just to be certain that no one was hiding. Scarlet laughed maniacally and stalked out. Heiddeger had the Goldenmateria satellite targeting the base. Two soldiers carried the Golden Materia.  
  
"Let's go!" Heiddeger called. They quickly boarded the helicopter and rushed out.  
  
  
  
"The path has been traced out into the Icicle Area..." Tifa muttered.  
  
"Have you got a fix on it yet?" Cloud asked curiously. Tifa shook her head.  
  
  
  
Goldenmateria satellite detonation in T-10 seconds.  
  
  
  
"Well where could it be! All there is a mysterious Crater and a Chocobo Sage up there!" Cloud stated in exasperation.  
  
"A Chocobo Sage?" Tifa wondered aloud. She knew that Chocobo Sages were known for their evil. Zemus was a Chocobo Sage. (Final Fantasy IV. Bad joke.)  
  
  
  
Aeris shivered as she stepped out of the refrigerator.  
  
"Woo! Now I've been at the bottom of a lake, a tube, an Ancient temple and a refigerator!" Aeris rubbed her arms.  
  
T-5 seconds  
  
"Umm... That doesn't sound good. I wish I had my materia to see if I'm going to survive this..." Aeris glanced over to the countdown screen.  
  
  
  
"That settles it! We're going to have the Chocobo Sage killed! He's the prime suspect!" Cloud called. Tifa nodded.  
  
"We'll teach that SOB..." Tifa said defiantly.  
  
  
  
T-1  
  
  
  
Bulbasaur... I mean... The Goldenmateria satellite is taking in sunlight. (Pokémon)  
  
Solarbeam!! 


	3. Now what?

A wave of rainbow energy blasted the base. The satellite dish was torn apart instantaneously. Power cables snapped apart. And most important of all... Materia shattered and released it's devastating effects.  
  
Aeris screamed as a piece of Lightning materia shattered, causing electricity to blow out the circuit boards of the computers. A piece of Fire materia set the wall on fire. Aeris pulled out a piece of summon materia.  
  
"Ramuh! I choose you!" Aeris threw the summon materia. Ramuh appeared.  
  
"You summoned me- Ahhhhhh!" Ramuh screamed as he clutched his head. Aeris gasped and looked down as the materia shattered. Ramuh burst into a wave of energy, which pretty much collapsed the room.  
  
  
  
The wave from the satellite struck the helicopters and the jets. The jets, running on Mako energy, instantly burst into flames. The helicopter, which did not use Mako, survived the blast. Scarlet glanced at her shard of Luck Plus materia. It glowed strangely, but didn't shatter. They were just barely out of range of the devastating effects of the satellite.  
  
  
  
"Hey! There's a big spot on the map!" Cloud shouted.  
  
"Oh... That was just Barret, he spit some coffee on it when he heard that Marlene was the main villain in Final Fantasy VIII," Tifa replied. Cloud shook his head. "Cait Sith also dropped a magnet on it." Cloud still shook his head. "Then what?" She turned as she saw a huge section of the map glowing. "Ohh... That spot..."  
  
  
  
"Damn materia!" Aeris coughed as she struggled to climb out of the destroyed complex. She gasped as she cut herself on a plank of wood. Occasionally a sparks would fly from the wreckage and cause Aeris to turn away from the dangerous light. She coughed as she staggered away from the building. She fell face first into the snow. Aeris didn't need her materia to know that she would die here without any food or warmth or materia for that matter. She looked around the desolate landscape to see a figure coming towards her. "What?"  
  
"Wooheehoo!" a chocobo hopped over to her. Aeris smiled a painful smile.  
  
"I didn't even need Chocobo Lure..." Aeris carefully mounted the chocobo and rode off.  
  
  
  
"What do you mean?" Cloud demanded. Tifa and Cid looked at him funny.  
  
"Umm... We didn't say anything Cloud," Barret took a sip of coffee.  
  
"I know... I just thought it sounded cool to start this section with a question," Cloud straightened his bow tie and grinned. Tifa sighed.  
  
"If you really want to get this fic started, you'll need to know what we're dealing with," Tifa replied. She walked over to a board. An image of a massive satellite came up. "This is the Goldenmateria satellite. It was built by Square initially to blow up every gold copy of Zelda. Not just the Ocarina of Time... But any gold Zelda! But Square abandoned the project after they lost funding."  
"Why'd they lose funding?" Cloud asked. Tifa shrugged.  
  
"Something about the swirling SaGa Frontier logo causing spasms or something..." Tifa replied. "Anyway... The satellite was thrown out and ended up being programmed in Final Fantasy VII. If you squint really hard during Bahamut ZERO, you can see it in the background," Tifa stated. Barret nodded.  
  
"And I use 'em when I do Satellite Beam!" Barret smiled. Tifa turned back to the display.  
  
"Anyway... There were three of them. Nayru, Farore, and Din... Barret bought one of them and Shin-Ra bought the others." (Zelda 64)  
  
"I got it at da Auction House in FF6! I kicked da crap out of dat kid dat out bid me for an electronic Chocobo!" Barret took another sip of coffee. (Final Fantasy 6 of course!) Tifa growled at being interrupted.  
  
"Anyway... Shin-Ra was working on them with the space program and now someone is obviously using them!" Tifa said in frustration.  
  
"And if da Shin-Ra iz involved, we get to kick some Shin-Ra #*@!" Barret laughed.  
  
"I give up! I don't need this!" Tifa stalked out. Barret shrugged.  
  
"Wonder what her problem iz..." Barret got up. "But to continue on... We'll be sendin' you to Midgar to gather information about who's got the sattelite." Barret gestured for Cloud to follow. They walked into a laboratory testing top secret accessories and equipment.  
  
"We've prepared some crazy gadgets for you to use," Barret told Cloud. He reached on the table and took a pen. "Here! Dis pen explodes!" Cloud looked at it suspiciously.  
  
"Hmm... Interesting thing for a pen to do..." Cloud thought aloud. Barret plucked a watch off of another table.  
  
"This will be your new watch. It tells the time and has a laser!!" Barret shook it in front of him. Cloud shrugged and pulled up his sleeve. He had about ten watches on.  
  
"I have about five watches that do that..." Cloud examined them. "Oh! If you press this one, it blows up Cait Sith!" Barret growled and handed him the watch. Barret walked by as a weapon's tester was catapulted out of a car.  
  
"We've also taken da liberty of gettin' you a new set of wheels," Barret gestured to the car.  
  
"That's not new! You just took the Buggy and added a sickly looking 007 to the side of it!" Cloud shouted. Barret grinned.  
  
"I painted it myself!" Barret said with pride. Cloud sighed.  
  
"Well... Its back to Midgar for me."  
  
  
  
Cait Sith stood in front of a street corner. He checked his watch and then tapped it.  
  
"Hmm... I wish my watch had a laser..." Cait Sith sighed. "Then I wouldn't need an envelope opener." Cloud walked past Cait Sith whistling. Cait Sith immediately spotted him.  
  
"Hey! Wait!" Cait Sith cried. Cloud turned.  
  
"Oh! Here you go old friend," Cloud tossed the man a nickel. Cait Sith grabbed it and pinched it in frustration.  
  
"I appreciate the thought, but I'm not looking for money!" Cait Sith snapped. Cloud shrugged.  
  
"Well I'm all out of booze so-" Cloud began. Cait Sith shook him.  
  
"Cloud!" Cait Sith interrupted him.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I'm looking for a secret agent. I don't have time to waste, although I'm an expert at picking such individuals out of a crowd," Cloud straightened his bow tie.  
  
"It's me! The secret agent!" Cait Sith shouted. Cloud narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Secret agent? You're not making yourself very secretive!" Cloud snapped. "Are you sure you're a secret agent?"  
  
"Yes!" Cait Sith said in a lower voice. Cloud nodded.  
  
"OK. If you say so... It was either going to be you or that suspicious looking man over there," Cloud pointed to Red XIII.  
  
"Well you guessed wrong Cloud," Red XIII walked out from the alley. "I'm the secret agent and I'm not a man! Cait Sith is merely my accomplice." Cait Sith crossed her arms.  
  
"And I have to take this abuse from a lion that uses a comb for battle?" Cait Sith replied. Red XIII gestured to a car in the alley.  
  
"We'll talk while you drive. I can't manage the vehicle myself and Cait Sith ran over a man trying to sell batteries. At least you have the license to kill," Red XIII muttered.  
  
  
  
"So you can setup the meeting with Mr. Valentine?" Cloud replied.  
  
"It can be done. It's not easy though, him being involved with all these underground conspiracies and what not... You sound like you know him," Red XIII added.  
  
"Let's just say that I took his place in this fic..." Cloud grinned. Red XIII, not understanding anything about this 'fic' business, decided to think of something more useful. He started to consider the dominant and recessive gene types that would yield him a lion and his grandfather a human. If Bugenhagen was a carrier for the gene then...  
  
"Hey Cloud!" Cait Sith called. "Do you think I could borrow that laser watch when you're done with it?" Cloud shrugged.  
  
"If you must..." Cloud replied.  
  
"OK! Pull over here!" Red XIII broke from his analytical thinking. He hopped out the side of the car and gestured through the rusty gates. "You can meet Mr. Valentine in here. Be careful 007," Red XIII added. Cloud nodded.  
  
"I can do it! Leave it to-" Cloud scratched himself on the gate. "Ouch! Son of a-" Cloud clutched his arm. "I'll be getting a tetanus shot for that." Cloud groaned and continued towards the bar.  
  
"Hopefully that's the only shot he'll get."  
  
  
  
"Hey! Wasn't this place the 7th heaven?" Cloud replied. A waitress nodded.  
  
"It was, but Mr. Valentine had it renamed BAR," the waitress explained.  
  
"Of course Vincent would make it something boring like that..." Cloud muttered. Cloud was led to the infamous Vincent, sitting with his fellow 'negotiators.' Cloud took a seat. "Well, well... It's been a long time Vincent."  
  
"Not long enough it would seem," Vincent retorted. Lucrecia was singing in the background on stage.  
  
"I hear that you have information concerning the helicopter incident as well as the individual named 'Sheik.'" Cloud replied.  
  
"Sheik eh? How does he concern you?" Vincent inquired.  
  
"His information is vital to how the helicopter was involved in the Icicle Area disturbance," Cloud continued. Lucrecia tried to hit a high note and went off key. Cloud laughed. "Can't pick up any women except the mutated freaks?" Vincent pulled out his Death Penalty and fired, nearly hitting Cloud in his favorite spot. Vincent reached over with his gold hands and grabbed Cloud's collar.  
  
"That is my fiancé you're insulting!" Vincent hissed. "If you want to live to complete this objective, you may want to shut up." Cloud nodded very quickly.  
  
"We are willing to offer a considerable amount of funding and equipment to you and your activities here in Midgar," Cloud fixed his collar.  
  
"They are of little use. Sheik is the one that we wish to see out of the way. He is a traitor to the Shin-Ra and cannot be trusted," Vincent replied.  
  
"Then, you will schedule a meeting?" Cloud asked. Vincent nodded.  
  
"It will be tonight. I will send you information on the meeting," Vincent added. Vincent smiled and gestured to the door. "Our meeting is adjourned." Cloud stood up and began to leave. "Oh and Cloud." Cloud turned. "I would have made a better 007 than you! It just so happens I got stuck with this blasted last name!"  
"Valentine! That is a pretty stupid name!" a guard laughed. (He's the same one that died in the opening scene with the magazine). Vincent pulled out his gun and shot him. Cloud slowly edged out of the room.  
  
  
  
Aeris walked into her church in Midgar.  
  
"What a relief to be back!" Aeris stretched and walked into the church. She checked the collection bin for donations but found none. "Lousy cheap skates..." Two children were in the center of her church. Aeris growled. "Hey! Get the hell out of my church! Don't make me get my rifle!" The two children screamed and ran out. Aeris laughed and brushed off her hands. "Now... I need to check my mail..." Aeris walked up to the organ and played those fateful three notes from Chrono Trigger. A door appeared with a sign, 'Employees Only.' Aeris stepped inside. A few seconds later, Frog hopped down from the ceiling.  
  
"Queen Leene? Where art thou?" Frog croaked. (Chrono Trigger)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Ancients Online... KillTifa77. Password: WhiteMateria..." Aeris attempted on connecting. The line was busy. "Damn service! It has only one member and it can't even sign me on!!" Aeris bashed the keyboard. Suddenly, she heard a noise from behind. She looked through the crack in the door to see a man walking out. "Gee... Isn't that... Hojo?" Aeris walked away from her computer and towards where the man left. Aeris stepped outside just as the Turks appeared.  
  
"Ms. Gainsborough... I believe you'll be coming with us," Reno added.  
  
  
  
Cloud was waiting in a small resort near the meeting place, where he was supposed to find a suspect. Cloud, who had a particularly short attention span, had accused a few people of being the suspects and beaten them senseless until he learned that the suspect was a she. Cloud apologized to his unconscious victims and found himself in a sauna.  
  
"Well... There is always time for relaxation," Cloud replied. (No there isn't. The writers just stuck this in because audiences enjoy scenes of this caliber).  
  
"Shut up! Did I ask you!" Cloud shouted. He walked into a locker room and returned in his boxers. Cloud hopped into the hot tub and slowly sank into the bubbling water. Just then, Scarlet walked in dressed in a red bikini. (Scary sight isn't it?) Cloud, who was to busy imagining himself with Tifa and Aeris, didn't notice Scarlet hovering above him.  
  
"Fool. You're mission ends here!" Scarlet prepared to bash Cloud in the head with a statue. Suddenly, Cloud reached his hands up and grabbed Scarlet. Surprised by the attack, Scarlet dropped the statue and fell into the hot tub.  
  
"Are you part of my mission?" Cloud was still imagining. He went to reach for Scarlet and she slapped him. Cloud's trance broke and he saw Scarlet.  
  
"Ahhhh! How did you get in here!" Cloud screamed and jumped out of the water. "Yuck! I feel so dirty!" He began to rub his skin. Scarlet snarled and jumped after him.  
  
"I take offense to those comments! I am much more beautiful than those sl**s Aeris and Tifa!" Scarlet leapt at Cloud. Cloud easily dodged the blow and backed away.  
  
"Look whose talking! They could have at least put a pretty villain, like Elena!" Cloud growled. Scarlet cried out and waved her fists at him. Cloud tripped her and Scarlet fell to the floor. She went to turn just as she saw Cloud's fist collide with her face. Scarlet blacked out.  
  
"That's the end of him... I mean her! No wonder I was confused before..." Cloud smirked.  
  
  
  
"Sheik is in there?" Cloud inquired. Scarlet gritted her teeth and nodded.  
  
"He will not be pleased to see you," Scarlet scowled. "You're weak and will be easy prey for-" Cloud sprayed Scarlet with a knockout mist. Scarlet's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she passed out.  
  
"Damn bi**h..." Cloud muttered. He hopped out of the car and walked into the Midgar slums. Countless broken and abandoned paraphernalia littered the area. A hell house scurried across the path. "I still don't understand how a house can walk like that... What were those programmers smoking?" Cloud wandered through the wreckage. He came to a blinking sign.  
  
"Aeris' church -- Sheik --  
  
I'd turn back if I were you..." the sign read. "They must be talking about Aeris' church. There are those freak kids in there!" Cloud began to wander towards Sheik's place. "Come to think of it... I don't think those flowers were real. Maybe Aeris is really insane and she planted those synthetic ones. Maybe she's the one that's behind all this!" Cloud snapped his fingers. "I got it! Aeris summoned Meteor and she plans to take over the world using her synthetic flowers!" Laughter came from behind him. Cloud blinked. "Umm... I don't remember this being filmed under a live studio audience..."  
  
"Not that sort of laughter fool..." the voice came. Audience 'oohs' in the background.  
  
::Sheik's theme cues up::  
  
A figure emerges from behind wreckage.  
  
"What...?" Cloud felt a wave of pain run through his head. Flashed of the Nibelheim incident ran through his head. "Who are you...?"  
  
"You know who I am..." Sephiroth grinned. He took his harp and revealed his face by pushing away the mask.  
  
"What!? I thought that Sheik was Zel- Oops... Plot spoiler," Cloud coughed. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.  
  
"You were always too loyal to your country Cloud. Coward ... You betrayed the Planet to your country!" Sephiroth accused Cloud.  
  
"Well... You're a... Umm.... Masamune carrying... Stupid Guy!" Cloud adlibbed a quick insult. Sephiroth laughed.  
  
"That was mildly insulting..." Sephiroth plucked the harp to Edward's theme. (Final Fantasy IV)  
  
"What's happened to you? We worked together once!" Cloud called. Sephiroth shrugged.  
  
"Yes. But ever since my father started calling you 'the Failure,' I decided you weren't worth the effort... Besides, I tried having sidekicks in the past... And they just ended up forming a cult. Now all they do is wear black cloaks and run around with speech impediments," Sephiroth grinned.  
  
"Hey! I r, resent... that!" a black cloaked figure walked out. Sephiroth shoved his Masamune through him. "Hey... That... w, wasn't very... nice!" the figure collapsed. "I'll just have to die with a nice FMV scene!" A piece of materia popped out of its cloak and bounced around until falling into a puddle.  
  
"That was good... But no Aeris," Sephiroth laughed. Cloud raised his sword.  
  
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you!" Cloud pulled out a piece of materia. "Fire 3!!" Sephiroth began to laugh. Nothing happened.  
  
"Is that the best you can do?" Sephiroth hopped to another side of the screen.  
  
"Oh yeah!?" Cloud pulled out another piece of materia. "Flare!!" Still... Nothing happened. Cloud scratched his head. "Merton!!" (Final Fantasy 6)  
  
"Why isn't my magic working?" Cloud complained.  
  
"Why? Simple... I'm standing in the field of the statues! They absorb any magic that enters their vicinity!" Sephiroth kicked Cloud to the ground.  
  
"What?" Cloud asked confused. Sephiroth suddenly bit his lip.  
  
"Oops... Carried the dialogue too far! Let's go back to where you shouted Merton and you felt like an idiot..." Sephiroth backed up. Cloud shook his head.  
  
"This is where you go back... From whence you've came!" Cloud dashed forward. Sephiroth pointed at Cloud and waved him away. Cloud was lifted into the air and smashed into a statue.  
  
"I learned that trick from Star Wars!" Sephiroth grinned. Sephiroth picked up his harp. "And this one I learned from a Pokémon you might know." Sephiroth begins to play the notes from Jigglypuff's song. Cloud drops his sword and covers his ears.  
  
"No! Damn y-" Cloud moaned and collapsed.  
  
"Hahahaha!! Thanks Jigglypuff!" Sephiroth walked over to Cloud. He pulled out a magic marker and wrote 14 in Roman numerals on his face. 


	4. The Train

"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" Aeris kicked Cloud's chair.  
  
"But I want to listen to Jigglypuff's song," Cloud moaned. Aeris kicked harder. Cloud became conscious. "Huh? I don't remember being tied to a chair when I was awake... But then again, this has happened before with-" Cloud realized the ticking clock. "Gee... That looks like a bomb."  
  
"Yes!! We have to get out of here!" Aeris screamed. Cloud pulled against his binds only to see they would not budge. The clock continued to tick.  
  
"Watch! Can you hear me?" Cloud shouted.  
  
  
  
"Come on!" Cait Sith was playing Ergheiz with his own character. "It's time to meet your maker Yo-yo!" The police woman cracked her Yo-yo over Cait Sith's head. Cait Sith went unconscious. "Oh! That really-"  
  
"Watch!!" his communicator called.  
  
Cait Sith fell off his chair.  
  
"Watch! Turn on!" Cloud shouted.  
  
"Oh? Yes! Yes! I read you 007!" Cait Sith regained his composure.  
  
"I need you to cut some binds quick!" Cloud shouted.  
  
"Ooh! That means I get to use the watch laser!" Cait Sith clapped his hands. He went to his computer.  
  
"Starting up Watch Laser 4.0!" Cait Sith grinned. He double clicked the icon. The computer started to think.  
  
  
  
The clock was at 20 seconds.  
  
"Ooh... This is bad..." Cloud groaned. "Start up you stupid program!"  
  
"Tell him to turn off all the background start centers!" Aeris shouted.  
  
  
  
"Start Centers? OK... Control Alt Delete time!" Cait Sith cycled through his start centers.  
  
  
"Hurry! Hurry!" Cloud bit his lip as the clock reached 15 seconds.  
  
  
  
"Ah! It's started!" Cait Sith clapped his hands. He looked at the screen and located one of Cloud's binds. "Now, I'll just fire here!"  
  
"Ouch!!" Cloud shouted as the laser missed.  
  
"Oops. Let me try that again!" Cait Sith fired again.  
  
"Oww! It hurts damn it!" Cloud felt another burning sensation.  
  
"Third times a charm," Cait Sith fired again.  
  
"Ah! When I get my hands on you, you stupid...!" Cloud winced.  
  
"Hey! Only 5 seconds left!" Aeris screamed.  
  
"Oh! I have it set to Cloud Seeking... Here!" Cait Sith adjusted it and fired. The bind loosened.  
  
"And if you lose... You can always press the 'Reset' button," Cloud hit the reset button on the helicopter. Aeris and Cloud ejected from the helicopter. A second later, it exploded. Burning debris flew everywhere.  
  
Cloud coughed as he freed himself from the remaining confines.  
  
"Piece of cake! Besides... The helicopter is set to explode after you eject in all the movies," Cloud looked over to Aeris.  
  
"So Mr. Strife... I see you've been causing quite a bit of trouble tonight," Mayor Domino stood before Cloud. "Perhaps you should come with us." Cloud looked as Shin-Ra soldiers swarmed around Aeris and himself.  
  
"My mother never told me to go with strangers... Wait a minute... My mother never said anything of that sort!" Cloud clutched his head. "Did I even have a mother? Oh! This is so confusing!" Aeris tapped Cloud on the shoulder.  
  
"We established that you were an experiment gone wrong in the actual game Cloud," Aeris was getting nervous as the soldiers advanced on them.  
  
"Oh! That's right! I keep forgetting about that! Where was I...? It's time to put Mr. Sugar out of commission." Cloud pulled out his sword. Domino held a gun up to Aeris' head.  
  
"Do anything of the sort and I will blow this girl's head off," the mayor threatened.   
  
"He'll do it! He's crazy!" the guy, that had said Vincent's name was funny, added. Mayor Domino turned and fired at him. The soldier crumpled to the floor. Cloud resheathed his sword.  
  
"You certainly sucked the fun out of the experience!" Cloud moaned.  
  
"Will you be coming with us now?" Domino asked again. Cloud shrugged.  
  
"Will there be refreshments?" Cloud asked. Domino turned to one of his soldiers and asked. The soldier whispered back.  
  
"Yes. We will have refreshments!" the mayor growled. Cloud grinned.  
  
"OK. I'll come! As long as I don't need to anymore of your stupid file searching junk!" Cloud replied. The mayor frowned.  
  
"Damn it... I really loved doing that," the mayor muttered.  
  
  
  
"So, Mr. Strife... Will you be telling us what we want to know?" Domino asked.  
  
"No," Cloud said plainly. Domino frowned.  
  
"Oh... Alright. I really did want to know, but if you won't say..." Domino started to walk out. "Wait a minute!!" Domino ran back to Cloud. "You're my prisoner so you'll be telling me everything I want to know!"  
  
"OK... Give me a piece of paper and I'll write it down," Cloud replied simply. Domino and the soldier began to squander the room for a piece of paper.  
  
"Hey! I can't find-" the soldier growled.  
  
"How about a napkin! I have a Mako Donalds napkin!" Domino waved it.  
  
"OK Sugar man," Cloud replied.  
  
"Do you mind not calling me that!" Domino growled. Cloud pulled out a pen and began to write on the napkin. After a few seconds, he handed it to Domino.  
  
"Here's all the information you'll need," Cloud added.  
  
"The world is Square? What the hell!?" Domino threw the napkin onto the table. (Final Fantasy 6) "Now you-!" Just then, Heiddeger walked into the room.  
  
"That will be enough Domino," Heiddeger grinned.  
  
"General Heiddeger... What are you doing here?" Domino asked.  
  
"I have business with this girl," Heiddeger replied. Cloud scowled.  
  
"Aeris! I could have loaned you money!" Cloud shook his head in displeasure.  
  
"Not that kind of business!!" Heiddeger growled. "You have programming skills that are necessary for my agenda."  
  
"Heiddeger! This isn't your investigation. Stay out of this!" Domino stood up to him. Heiddeger stared at him for a second and then started beating on him.  
  
"Ah! You- Ow! Don't make me use my Domino's Heat Wave attack! Ouch!" Domino was thrown to the floor.  
  
"This would be a good time to go," Cloud whispered to Aeris. They ran out of the room.  
  
"They're getting away- Oww!!" Domino groaned. Heiddeger and Domino stopped fighting and ran to find a squad of troops they didn't mind having killed. After they left, Bannon walked in and looked at the table.  
  
"Hey! Who left this piece of paper here!?" Bannon demanded. (Final Fantasy 6)  
  
  
  
"This way looks-" Cloud and Aeris skidded to a halt as Shin-Ra soldiers came marching down the hallway.  
  
"Bad," Aeris finished the sentence.  
  
"Hey! It's those guys from the 007 series! Can I have your autograph!!" a soldier shouts. Cloud and Aeris turn down a hallway and run.  
  
"They must not have seen us," a soldier replied. "Let's fire at them to get their attention." Bullets rang out through the hallway. Cloud and Aeris dashed to a ladder and quickly climbed it. Aeris cried out and slipped.  
  
"Aeris!" Cloud screamed. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Everything goes into slow motion.  
  
"Cloooooooooooouuuuuuuuud!" Aeris cries out. Aeris' fall goes on for far longer than it should. Full speed.  
  
"Ahhhhhh!" Aeris screams just as Cloud catches her. "Oh! Cloud! How did you-"  
  
"No time for that," Cloud replied. "We have to hurry."  
  
"Let's get 'em!" a soldier cries out. Another soldier halts them.  
  
"Hold on guys. I wanna get a shot," the soldier holds out a camera while the soldiers pose. Cloud and Aeris run through the rafters and into another part of the warehouse. Cloud pulls out his FF7 just as two guards jump from above.  
  
"Not a chance you-" the soldier loses his balance and falls off the rafter. The other soldier watches him fall into the library below. Cloud and Aeris look to the other soldier.  
  
"Eh. It couldn't be as painful as it looks," the other soldier cried out and jumped down, crashing into a table.  
  
"I bet that did," Cloud laughed. Cloud turned to see Domino and a group of soldiers pursuing them.   
  
"You can't escape!" Domino shouted. Cloud fired at Domino. Even though he missed, Domino fell backwards, causing a 'Domino' effect and crashing into the rest of the soldiers. They all fell to the ground below. Suddenly, shots rang out from below and Cloud and Aeris hurried to an open window. Just before they reached it, Heiddeger dashed into the room with a group of soldiers. A soldier fired and hit a support on the rafters. Aeris lost her balance and fell to the floor. Heiddeger grabbed her and looked to Cloud.  
  
"Damn," Cloud muttered. "I hate when the villain gets the girl..." Cloud turned to the window. "Now... How can I get through this window... Ooooh! I know... We'll just use a-"  
  
  
  
FMV: Cloud crashes through the window with his motorcycle. Where he got a motorcycle and how many licks it will take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop... The world may never know...  
  
"Hmm..." Cloud stood in the center of a huge military storage complex. "What can I use in here that will help to get Aeris..." Cloud looked around. "There's a tank... Nah... Too unoriginal... Magitek Armor... Too Final Fantasy 6... A Chocobo...  
  
"Wooheehoo!!" the chocobo chirped.  
  
"Nah... Also been done..." Cloud nodded. The chocobo spit at him and left, insulted.  
  
"No airships... No hovercraft from FF4... No Epoch from Chrono Trigger... Maybe there's a Flammie Drum from Secret of Mana... Hey!" Cloud stood before something that looked fun. "It looks like we have a fated relationship!" The huge weapon opened and Cloud hopped into it. He kicked a young Fei out of it and started the engine. The young Fei started crying as he sat in the middle of the warehouse. Cloud prepared his new toy for a test drive. (Xenogears)  
  
  
  
"Let go of me!!" Aeris screamed.  
  
"You're coming with me!" Heiddeger shouted. They hopped into a car and sped towards the train station.  
  
"You'll never get away with this!" Aeris yelled.  
  
"Where's your hero now!?" Heiddeger laughed his annoying laugh. Just then, Weltall burst out into the road.  
  
"I'm back!!" Cloud shouted.  
  
"Reverse... Reverse!!" Heiddeger shouted to the driver. The car sped backwards as the Gear headed for the car.  
  
"Nothing can keep me away from you!" Cloud shouted. Just then, a Kislev gear, Godzilla and King Kong stepped in front of him.  
  
"Hey! This is a Final Fantasy fanfic! Stop it with all these excess guys!" Cloud complained. Godzilla screeched, the original screech not the crappy new one, and King Kong reached into a building and pulled out Celes. (Oh... Fine) Godzilla and King Kong disappeared. Celes screamed as she plummeted to the ground. (She'll be out for a year's time... Well, if I can't have them, you'll face some Square enemies!!)  
  
Just then, the Giant of Bab-il, Diamond WEAPON, and Lavos appeared. The Kislev gear smiled and aimed its gun at Cloud.  
  
"OK! Let's go Weltall!!" Weltall stepped on the Kislev gear and engaged with Diamond WEAPON. Weltall slugged it in the face and received a Diamond Flash to the face. Weltall shoved Diamond WEAPON into a building, which ripped apart in a fray of cardboard and sparks. (Budget cuts... Sorry) The Giant of Bab-il grabbed Weltall from behind and Lavos began to rain chaos on him. (Final Fantasy IV, Chrono Trigger)  
  
"Clooooooooouuuuuuuddddddd!!!" Aeris screamed as the car got further and further away.  
  
"Hey!! Don't hurt 'Elly'!!" Cloud screamed. (Xenogears) Weltall suddenly glowed an eerie purple. Two wild blasts of energy tore apart the Giant and sent Lavos into the sky, where it belongs. Weltall shook violently and transformed into the 'Red Gear.' System Ed...  
  
"There is no Cloud anymore... Only Ed..." Cloud was now a child version of himself with red hair and a black outfit. Diamond WEAPON went to engage it's new opponent. "Are you strong?" Diamond WEAPON looked confused. "Guess I'll have to find out... Kishin..." The Red Gear gathered dark energy and unleashed the devastating attack on Diamond WEAPON. The Red Gear punched through Diamond WEAPON and threw him into a nearby lake. Ed looked over to where Aeris had been. "That meddlesome girl must be dealt with..." The Red Gear began to crush through town.  
  
"Minimize Civilian Casualties!!" Cloud/Ed's watch read.  
  
"There is no point in doing that... In fact, we'll make more casualties..." Ed began to crush anything in his path.  
  
"Hey! Cloud's coming! He evolved to help me when I was in trouble!! I thought he didn't want to be my hero, but I guess I was wrong!" Aeris grinned. A beam of red energy fired from the Red Gear, nearly crushing the car.  
  
"Your boyfriend is going to kill us!!" Heiddeger screamed. Another blast crashed down on the other side of the car. The car sped down a corner street and through an alley. Heiddeger sighed. "He won't be able to follow us now."  
  
Suddenly, there was a violent shaking coming from behind them. Heiddeger dared to look back and saw the Red Gear holding the building over its head.  
  
"Putting a building in my path is cheating. Here, take it back!" Ed threw the building at the car.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's going to be Game Over!" Aeris covered her head. Just then, Vierge flies in and catches the building.  
  
"Hurry! I can't hold this much-" Elly shouts. The car speeds away and Vierge collapses while throwing the building to the side.  
  
"Who dares ruin my fun?" Ed declares.  
  
"I'm here to bring Id out of this fanfic. This is a Final Fantasy 7 fanfic! Not Xenogears!!" Elly was breathing heavy. Her gear was in really bad shape after holding a building for a few seconds.  
  
"Fool... I will destroy you..." Ed went to crush Vierge with his fists, but Elly caught him.  
  
"Cloud! Snap out of it! Aeris is being taken away!" Elly cried.  
  
"No... Stop it!! You're ruining my fun!" Ed attempted to break Vierge's grip. The Red Gear backed away. "Damn! He's waking up..."  
  
"Aeris, Cloud! Remember Aeris!" Elly shouted.  
  
"Arrrghh!" the Red Gear knelt down and transformed back into Weltall.  
  
"What happened...? Was it Sephiroth? Was he controlling me again?" Cloud moaned.  
  
"No... You must follow Aeris!" Elly replied.  
  
"You got it," Cloud began to race in the direction Elly, er... I mean, Aeris went.  
  
  
  
"He won't be able to stop us now. He's been detained," Heiddeger replied. Sephiroth grinned.  
  
"And you got the girl as well. I must say I am impressed with your performance. Here's a cracker," Sephiroth hands Heiddeger a cracker.  
  
"He's been doing that ever since he saw that Omnipoint commercial with the parrot," Scarlet whispered. Sephiroth stepped over to Aeris.  
  
"Well my dear. Glad you could join us. No Cloud to protect you... So I assume you'll be coming with us," Sephiroth grinned. Aeris scowled at him. Sephiroth suddenly grabbed Aeris and kissed her. Aeris, after struggling, pulled back and slapped him.  
  
"Stay away from me!" Aeris shouted.  
  
"Mmm... Tastes like chicken..." Sephiroth grinned. (If you didn't see the movie, you wouldn't get the joke here. But feel free to laugh anyway. Then again, you wouldn't have gotten the jokes for the last few pages if you didn't play Xenogears... Maybe I should have playing requirements for reading these fics.) Just then, a Shin-Ra soldier ran into the room.  
  
"Sir! There's something ahead on the train tracks!" the soldier reported.  
  
"Strife... It's gotta be him..." Sephiroth frowned.  
  
  
  
"I'll simply leave this here. And we'll see how well the train fairs against it," Cloud grinned. He left Weltall on the train tracks and ran into the foliage on the side paths.  
  
'He's nuts. I'm not going to sacrifice myself for his posterior,' Weltall registered. 'I will simply put someone of less value in my place.' Weltall disappeared and Fat Chocobo appeared instead.  
  
"Wark?" the Fat Chocobo looked around in confusion.  
  
"We're going to hit that chocobo!" Aeris screamed. "Do something!" Aeris shook Sephiroth.  
  
"Would you stop it! Full speed!" Sephiroth barked an order.  
  
"No!!" Aeris wailed.  
  
"Hey look! It's a bird!" a Shin-Ra soldier shouted.  
  
"No... It's a chocobo!" Sephiroth growled.  
  
"No! In the sky! It's a bird!" the soldier persisted.  
  
"No. I think it's more of a plane. Not the Tiny Bronco... Since that can't fly..." another soldier looked up.  
  
"No! It's Superman!" another soldier shouted.  
  
"Insolence..." Sephiroth growled. "I think the author is doing far too many cameo appearances in this fic..."  
  
"He's going to stop the train!" Aeris grinned. Superman landed next to the Fat Chocobo and pushed him off the tracks.  
  
"I will stop this train!" Superman shouted. Cloud, who had not been paying attention up to this point, looked up.  
  
"Hey? What the hell are you-" Cloud watched the train screeching towards him. Superman went to hold out his hand, but got flattened.  
  
"Hahahahaha! You're powers are useless in the Square world!" Sephiroth laughed. Cloud, now realizing that stopping the train was impossible, decided to take his entrance.  
  
"But mine aren't!" Cloud shouted. 


	5. Who? Hojo? No?

"Huh?" Sephiroth looked to see Cloud crash through the window and into him.  
  
"You stupid fool..." Sephiroth leapt back and pulled out his Masamune. He pointed it Aeris' head. "One wrong move and she gets it."  
  
"Don't worry Sephiroth. I have it covered," the soldier, that keeps getting killed in this fanfic, shows up.  
  
"See 007? You're outnumbered. And outmatched..." Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.  
  
"My friend," Cloud looked to the soldier. "Did you know that Sephiroth plans to dispose of all the individuals on this train to make sure there are no witnesses..."  
  
"Well no... That wasn't mentioned when I was signed in for this assignment..." the soldier replied.  
  
"And Heiddeger... You realize that Sephiroth has no need for the Shin-Ra once his goals are met. You'll simply be rid of as well," Cloud continued.  
  
"Lies... Do not listen to him," Sephiroth grit his teeth.  
  
"And you know that dental plan he gave you. It's not a real dental plan!" Cloud added.  
  
"What? I don't have a dental plan!?" the soldier gasped.  
  
"And the health insurance that you have won't cover your liposuction Heiddeger. And it won't cover your implants Scarlet," Cloud looked over to them.  
  
"Hey! These are real!" Scarlet snarled.  
  
"It all makes sense now... You don't need any of us! You vile traitor..." Heiddeger turned to Sephiroth.  
  
"We'll teach you-" Sephiroth's sword went through the soldiers gut. "Not again..."  
  
"Die you-!" Heiddeger felt Sephiroth's sword through him as well. Sephiroth turned to Cloud and Aeris.  
  
"I won't forget this... Come Scarlet," Sephiroth grabbed Scarlet and teleported out. Suddenly, all the shutters and doors slammed shut. The train screeched to a halt, tossing Cloud and Aeris to the other side of the room. Cloud smiled.  
  
"Good. With all this protection, we're safe now! Glad I thought of it," Cloud sat down in a chair. Aeris scratched her head.  
  
"Umm... You didn't set this up," Aeris replied. Cloud was about to protest about his planning ahead but Sephiroth interrupted.  
  
"If I were you Cloud. I'd get out in the number of seconds that you gave me to escape," Sephiroth's voice came from around Aeris and Cloud.  
  
"I didn't give you anytime!" Cloud shouted. "It was an accident."  
  
"Then so will this..." Sephiroth grinned.  
  
"Hey! Hey!" Cloud wasn't sure where to shout. "Come and say that to my face! I'll make sure to kill you this time!"  
  
"Cloud! This isn't the time! We need to get out of here," Aeris shook Cloud. Cloud nodded.  
  
"Right!" Cloud walked over to the corner of the room. "We just need to break open the emergency exit with my laser watch."  
  
"Why would they make an emergency exit so difficult to-" Aeris began and then spotted the computer. "Hey! This is hooked up with Sephiroth's network. I bet I can find his base with it."  
"You do that..." Cloud wasn't paying attention. He was busy trying to set his watch to the correct time. "Ooh! Indiglo!"  
  
"Access mainframe... Access location..." Aeris typed away.  
  
"Hey! Did you know this watch can tell the temperature in Costa Del Sol!" Cloud showed Aeris the watch.  
  
"That's nice..." Aeris ignored him. Cloud frowned.  
  
"I wonder if I can play Pokemon on it..." Cloud looked for an extra button. Cloud hit the auto fire and watch began to blast lasers all around him. Cloud cried out as he tried to hide from his watch. The lasers blasted at the exit and loosened it.  
  
"South of the border... Area strong in lifestream... It's..." Aeris watched as the computer narrowed the location.  
  
Finally, Cloud's watch ran out of batteries and stopped. Cloud prodded it with his finger.  
  
"I knew I should have gotten a Rolex..." Cloud muttered. He kicked the door out. "Hey Aeris! I got the door open!"  
  
"In a minute... It's-" Aeris began.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile... Somewhere else...  
  
"The codes? What is going on!?" Hojo screamed as he looked at his computer. He pulled the frame off the hard drive and began to tear boards out of the system. One of the soldiers scratched his head.  
  
"You know... You could have just logged off... Or cut the cord," the soldier replied. Hojo was busy smashing his computer with a mallet.   
  
"You'll never get my codes!" Hojo shouted at the broken computer. The soldier shrugged and walked away.  
  
"That's what you get when you fall for those online e-mail scams..." the soldier muttered. 


	6. Umm YAA!

"No! Da- I mean gosh golly!" Aeris growled.  
  
"Gosh golly? Even I don't say things as pathetic as that. I mean, mosey was bad, but gosh golly?" Cloud wondered aloud.  
  
"Since I'm the little nice ancient princess, I'm not allowed to lower my reputation," Aeris quickly explained. "Umm... Cloud?"  
  
"Yes?" Cloud asked.  
  
"How long was he giving us?" Aeris asked.  
  
"Well... It's been 10 minutes... Let's wait a few more and see-" Cloud began but Aeris pulled him to the exit. Sephiroth watched from his helicopter above.  
  
"Now... I just blow it up when they're a few feet away and everyone is happy with a successful escape scene," Sephiroth grinned as he pressed the detonation button on the remote.  
  
Cloud and Aeris jump as an explosion fills the background. Scarlet growled in disgust.  
  
"You evil maniacs are all morons! You have the enemy right where you want them and you have to gloat so much to let them escape!" Scarlet fumed. Sephiroth eyed her in annoyance.  
  
"Are you mocking my system of doing things?" Sephiroth unsheathed his Masamune.  
  
"Oh no. I'd never do that!" Scarlet cowered.  
  
"Good. Besides... When you let Tifa escape on the Mako Cannon wasn't anything great on your part," Sephiroth added.  
  
  
  
"So... You're saying it's near Mideel..." Cloud replied as he drove the buggy towards his rendezvous point.  
  
"Yes. That's where the location was being narrowed down," Aeris explained.  
  
"Hmm... Why does that place sound familiar... Something about Xe... no... gears... rings a bell..." Cloud tried to remember why the place sounded familiar.  
  
"The meeting place is over there!" Aeris pointed to a man smoking near the Tiny Bronco. They pulled the car over and hopped out to meet the mysterious individual.  
  
"So... I see you still haven't shook the habit," Cloud smiled.  
  
"Who asked for your #&$*#(#) opinion!?" the man took another smoke.  
  
"Cid, is this what we're using to find the base?" Cloud asked. Cid grit his teeth and nodded.  
  
"Yes... But if you make one scratch on her... You'll be answering to me..." Cid growled. "And don't even think of touching my private stash of cigarettes and tea bags!" Cid took the keys for the buggy from Cloud and tossed Cloud the keys for the Tiny Bronco.  
  
  
  
::Highwind Theme cues up::  
  
"Hmm... I wonder where they would hide a base here..." Cloud looked down into the jungle. Aeris glanced over the destroyed Mideel.  
  
"Cloud, what about the crater in Mideel? That could hide a base," Aeris suggested.  
  
"They wouldn't put one in there... There's nothing interesting to do in that crater. Believe me, I looked!" Cloud added.  
  
"Oh yeah. I remember... That's how you got your memory back right?" Aeris asked.  
  
"Huh? What memory?" Cloud replied. Aeris frowned.  
  
"Nevermind..." Aeris sighed.  
  
"The only thing down in the crater is a gift shop and a MakoDonalds," Cloud continued. Aeris brightened.  
  
"A gift shop?" Aeris looked to Cloud. Suddenly, a blast emitted from the jungle below and struck the plane in the rear. (If you can call the Tiny Bronco a plane...)  
  
"We're going down!" Cloud shouted. Aeris screamed.  
  
"I wish I had my white materia..." Aeris watched as the ground came up to meet them. Cloud sighed.  
  
"Maybe they'll be something good on the radio," Cloud turned it on. 'Determination' (The music they play in Chrono Trigger when you enter Lavos with Epoch) begins to play. Cloud shook his head. "We can't just lose! We'd be letting Marle down!"  
  
"Marle? Cloud have you been hanging around with other-" Aeris began. The plane shook violently as it crashed into a section of the forest. Cloud and Aeris screamed.  
  
"Aeris!!" Cloud yelled. He grabbed her in what was supposed to be an embracing hug.  
  
"Cloud!" Aeris slapped him across the face. The plane suddenly shook violently and came to a collision.  
  
  
  
Cloud moaned as he stepped out of the plane. He moaned because of the crash, but mainly because he realized there was no ground where he just stepped. Cloud cried out as he fell to the ground.  
  
"Oww... Damn Tiny Bronco... Damn Cid... Damn smoking habits... Damn Nicotine... Damn it all..." Cloud felt his world spin around him. "Wooo! We must be spinning to the third CD of this fanfic!" Cloud grabbed his temples, trying to stop the spinning. He suddenly felt someone else's presence in the vicinity. He turned to get a blurred version of a woman dressed in red. "...Aeris?" The woman kicked Cloud in the side.  
  
"Fool. You die here!" the woman jumped on top of him.  
  
"Aeris! It wasn't that bad of a crash. And about that grab, I didn't mean to touch-" Cloud felt the woman's fingers wrap around his neck.  
  
"I will teach you good guys to lose!" the woman screamed as she bashed Cloud in the face with her fists. Suddenly, Aeris jumped down and kicked her to the side.  
  
"Time to leave this fanfic for good Scarlet!" Aeris shouted. Scarlet grinned.  
  
"Stupid ancient. You don't stand a chance against me!" Scarlet pulled out the piece of white materia. "With this, I'll summon Holy to crush both of you!"  
  
"Huh? The white materia?" Cloud moaned. "She can't summon Holy can she?" Aeris bit her lip.  
  
"I hope not... But she sure is 'Ancient' enough," Aeris replied. Scarlet grit her teeth.  
  
"You'll die for that comment!" Scarlet snarled. She pulled out a gun to shoot down Aeris. Suddenly, we go into FMV sequence.  
  
"Hey? What the-" Scarlet began. Yuffie comes flying down from above and crashes into Scarlet with her Deformer, I mean Conformer.  
  
"You think you can just kick me out of a fanfic! I think not!" Yuffie began to swipe at Scarlet with her weapon. Scarlet dropped the gun and white materia to try and avoid her strikes. She dove out of the way just as the Conformer narrowly missed a 'Deathblow.'  
  
"Go Scaret!" Cloud waved a flag and cheered. Aeris slapped him. "What? Would you rather me root for Yuffie!?"  
  
"Hmm... Good point. But I think Yuffie is a safer bet anyway," Aeris replied. "Go Yuffie!"  
  
Scarlet shouted as she grabbed the Conformer and tossed it away. Yuffie struck back with a blow to the head. Scarlet fell to the ground.  
  
"I... won't... let you... win..." Scarlet gasped. Yuffie laughed.  
  
"What are you going to do? Use Meteo? Or maybe you'll jump on a helicopter like Rufus does," Yuffie grinned. (Final Fantasy IV)  
  
"No... This-" Scarlet pulled out a piece of purple materia and threw it at her. Yuffie caught the materia.  
  
"Ha! Materia! I love it! I kill you and get a piece of materia," Yuffie punched the air in success.  
  
"That's 'Don Corneo Lure' materia..." Scarlet grinned. Yuffie looked confused. "It attracts Don Corneo!"  
  
"..." Yuffie turned pale.  
  
"Hey! There you are!!" Don Corneo jumped out of the bushes. "I finally found you again!" Don Corneo stepped towards Yuffie. "You still owe me a 'special night!'"  
  
"Nooooooooooooo!" Yuffie screeched. She dashed into the forest with Don Corneo in close pursuit. Scarlet managed to stand up and take out a piece of green materia.  
  
"Exit..." Scarlet coughed. Scarlet teleported out. Cloud and Aeris looked at each other.  
  
"Umm... Let's go before any of them come back," Cloud replied. Aeris picked up her piece of white materia and the two began to walk through the jungle. 


	7. The End

"Is the satellite aligned yet?" Sephiroth went to Hojo.  
  
"It is currently underway. The satellite is being positioned in the Ionosphere now," Hojo typed vigorously at the keyboard.  
  
"What is taking so long!?" Sephiroth demanded. Hojo fixed his glasses.  
  
"We are running Windows you know!" Hojo muttered. Hojo entered another chain of commands and a window came up. "We are ready." Sephiroth grinned.  
  
"Do it..." Sephiroth waved his Masamune for effect. He also managed to poke someone's eye out. As well as there face, head and upper torso.  
  
  
  
Sirens rang out across the crater.  
  
"Umm... Is that coming from the gift shop?" Aeris asked. Cloud shrugged.  
  
"Maybe it's a sale," Cloud replied. The ground began to shake as the lifestream began to bubble. The two looked down into the crater. A huge satellite dish began to rise from within the crater.  
  
"Holy... Holy!" Aeris gasped. The huge satellite dish locked into position.  
  
"We better hurry!" Cloud grabbed Aeris. Two soldiers dashed towards them. Cloud swiped them out of the way with one quick cleave from his Buster Sword. "We need to get inside." Cloud scanned the area and noticed an entrance. Cloud gestured to follow as he dashed towards it. Cloud pulled out his FF7 just in time to run into a few other guards near the entrance.  
  
"Hey! You can't just come in here!" the soldier shouted.  
  
"I'm uh... part of the postal service!" Cloud showed him his gun. The soldiers nodded in approval.  
  
"OK. You and the girl can enter," the soldier replied. Cloud nodded.  
  
"Here. This is addressed to you," Cloud handed the soldier a small circular disk.  
  
"Oh really?" the soldier took the disk. Cloud pushed Aeris inside and closed the door. He dashed a few feet before stopping.  
  
"What did you give him?" Aeris asked. An explosion shook from down the hall.  
  
"Timed Mine," Cloud replied.  
  
  
  
Sephiroth suddenly looked up.  
  
"He's here... I sense his presence..." Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. He stalked away. Hojo typed away at the computer.  
  
"Charge is at 83%... It's taking too long..." Hojo growled.  
  
  
  
"Here! We need to stop!" Aeris pulled Cloud to a computer.  
  
"Aeris. Could you check your mail later? This is a bad time," Cloud opened fire on an approaching soldier.  
  
"No. I must get into the system to stop the satellite," Aeris explained as she entered a chain of keystrokes into the system.  
  
"Well... Don't take all day," Cloud cracked another soldier in the head as he dashed towards them. Cloud scratched his head. "Don't these guys put up a fight?"  
  
"Not now Cloud. I'm busy," Aeris continued to hack the system. Another soldier ran at Cloud. Cloud stepped out of the way and the soldier crashed into the wall and collapsed.  
  
"Access... Confirmed! Here I go!" Aeris entered the command.  
  
  
  
Hojo's computer screen read all those favorite Windows errors. Illegal operation, System resources low, etc...  
  
"What!? What's going on?" Hojo gasped. He went back to the screen and realized the satellite detonation had been cancelled. Hojo scowled and began to re-enter the codes.  
  
  
  
"Cloud! I did it!" Aeris jumped from the desk. Cloud was busy poking a soldier.  
  
"Come on! Fight back!" Cloud was chasing him.  
  
"Good job," a voice came from behind Aeris. Aeris felt Sephiroth's hands grab her. Cloud stopped and turned to Sephiroth.  
  
"Hey. I didn't expect you to be here," Cloud looked over to Sephiroth.  
  
"It's the end of the fanfic. Where else would I be?" Sephiroth replied.  
  
"Somewhere else!" Aeris bit his hand.  
  
"Oww!" Sephiroth held the Masamune up to her neck. "Try anything else and you won't have a mouth to bite with." Just then, Hojo ran up behind them.  
  
"You!" Hojo screamed. Everyone turned to Hojo.  
  
"Me? You want to talk to me?" a Shin-Ra soldier replied.  
  
"No, he's talking about me," Cloud replied.  
  
"You wish. He's talking about me," Sephiroth replied.  
  
"I'm talking about her!" Hojo shouted. Everyone stood silent.  
  
"Oh..." Sephiroth felt disappointed. The Shin-Ra soldier burst into tears and walked away.  
  
"She changed the access codes!" Hojo went to strangle her, but a soldier grabbed him. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Can you fix it?" Sephiroth replied.  
  
"Of course... My skills are superior to hers," Hojo said smugly.  
  
"You... Bad person!" Aeris growled. Everyone looked at her strangely. "I really wish I could curse."  
  
"Well... Until then..." Sephiroth growled. "Hojo! Fix the system. Soldiers, you keep a close eye on them." He stalked off. Hojo cracked his hands then began to type. He stopped and looked to Cloud.  
  
"Yes?" Cloud asked. Hojo got up and pulled a pen from Cloud's pocket.  
  
"I need something to concentrate with," Hojo growled. He began to click it in rhythm with his typing. Aeris bit her lip.  
  
"Cloud... Isn't that the pen that explo-" Aeris began. Cloud covered her mouth.  
  
"You're delirious Aeris. You need to rest," Cloud replied. Hojo continued typing away at the computer.  
  
  
  
Goldenmateria Systems Online  
  
The Goldenmateria satellite positioned itself in the atmosphere. The solar collectors clicked into place and prepared to charge.  
  
  
  
"I'm back," Sephiroth came back with a Mountain Dew. He snapped it open with his Masamune and sipped it. Aeris gagged.  
  
"How can you drink that stuff!?" Aeris asked. Sephiroth shrugged.  
  
"It's not that bad. What do you think the lifestream is made of?" Sephiroth replied. Cloud snapped his finger.  
  
"No wonder I was out of it. Swimming in Mountain Dew could really be fatal..." Cloud stated. Sephiroth took another sip.  
  
"Out of options eh Cloud? You can't save Midgar now. Within moments, all Mako energy and materia will be shattered in Midgar. The entire city will be put out of commission for years. Midgar will be reduced to a smoldering heap. Cloud scratched his head.  
  
"Doesn't that happen at the end of the game anyway?" Cloud replied. Sephiroth tapped his Masamune to the floor.  
  
"Shut up! You're ruining the ending for all those people out there!" Sephiroth growled. Hojo continued to type away at the computer vigorously.  
  
"You haven't won yet," Cloud replied. "It's not too late. There's still another agent." Everyone stopped. Hojo coughed and resumed typing and clicking.  
  
"Huh?" Aeris wondered aloud.  
  
"Another agent?" a soldier asked.  
  
"We're doomed!" a soldier screamed and ran away. Sephiroth's eyes widened then he scowled.  
  
"There is no other agent. If you saw the movie, you'd know that there was no one else to help them at this point!" Sephiroth growled.  
  
"Oh no? Well this isn't the movie and the author has some sick twisted ideas!" Cloud shouted. (Hey! Watch your mouth about my ideas!) "How do you know Vincent isn't going to show up? Or what about Yuffie? She still needs to die or get killed or something in this fic! (Actually no, but thanks for the thought. I'm already in trouble with all the Yuffie fans. ^_^)  
  
"You're... lying... Nothing is going to happen! I'm going to win!" Sephiroth shouted. Cloud grabbed the white materia from Aeris' hair.  
  
"No? Why don't we ask this piece of materia?" Cloud replied. He tossed it to Sephiroth. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Will I destroy Midgar?" Sephiroth asked the materia as he shook it.  
  
"All signs point to no..." the materia read. Sephiroth grit his teeth and shook it again.  
  
"Will all materia and power be shattered in Midgar?" Sephiroth snarled.  
  
"It appears doubtful," the materia read.  
  
"Will I win in this fanfic?" Sephiroth screamed. He shook the materia vigorously.  
  
"No you moron!" the materia read. Sephiroth gasped. Suddenly, Cloud leapt at Sephiroth and tackled him into a desk. Aeris grabbed a soldier's gun and smacked two others in the face. The other soldier went to grab Aeris, but she jabbed him in the chest with the hilt of the gun. She pulled out a piece of red materia.  
  
"Leviathan!! I choose you!!!" Aeris screamed. Leviathan screeched as it came out of the summon materia. "Leviathan! Hyper Beam... Err... I mean... Tidal Wave!!" Leviathan dove at the soldiers with a wave of water. Sephiroth kicked Cloud aside and ran away. Aeris went to help Cloud but was grabbed by Hojo.  
  
"Give me the access code!!" Hojo shook her as he screamed. Cloud bashed the man in the head and he was knocked back. The pen fell to the floor. Aeris looked horrified.  
  
"We're dead..." Aeris moaned. She crouched to the floor and covered her head. Cloud picked up the pen and pocketed it.  
  
"You can stop cowering in fear," Cloud offered Aeris' hand.  
  
"Cloud!? The pen?" Aeris asked.  
  
"Do all of my pens have to explode?" Cloud retorted. Aeris blushed in embarrassment. Suddenly, a soldier ran up to them.  
  
"Hey! Can I borrow a pen?" that same old stunt soldier asked. Cloud shrugged and handed him the pen. The soldier ran off. An explosion shook the hallway a minute later. Aeris scratched her head.  
  
"Come on! I have to stop Sephiroth! You find a plane and get it ready to leave," Cloud rushed off to the satellite dish.  
  
  
  
"Sephiroth?" Cloud was slowly wandering around on the satellite dish. "Sephiroth!!"  
  
"What?" a custodian shouted in annoyance. Cloud looked over to a custodian with the name badge 'Sephiroth.'  
  
"Whoops... Wrong Sephiroth..." Cloud apologized. "Umm... Sephiroth the Masamune wielding maniac!"  
  
"Yes?" Sephiroth floated down behind him. Cloud turned and gasped.  
  
"Don't do that!" Cloud shouted. Sephiroth pulled out his Masamune.  
  
"Don't worry. I won't be bothering you any longer. Since I won't be seeing you where you're going!" Sephiroth slashed at Cloud. Cloud jumped back and pulled out his sword. The two swords collided. Cloud swung back at Sephiroth. Sephiroth dodged and thrust with the Masamune. "Always the hero Cloud? Here to save Midgar and those other fools abusing the Planet."  
  
"The only thing I'm doing is saving the Planet by kicking your @$$!" Cloud dodged another Masamune strike and punched Sephiroth in the face. Sephiroth elbowed him in the chest. Cloud gasped and dodged a kick. Sephiroth shouted as he slashed down at the platform, nearly tearing apart the catwalk. Cloud kicked Sephiroth's fist, knocking the Masamune out of his hand and down onto the satellite dish.  
  
"Damn..." Sephiroth jumped back as Cloud recovered on the platform. Sephiroth dashed into a utility shed.  
  
"Come back here!" Cloud screamed.  
  
  
  
"Excuse me gentleman. Are you by chance using this helicopter?" Aeris asked. The soldiers looked at each other.  
  
"Well, we were going to use it to escape..." the soldier replied.  
  
"I was wondering if I-" Aeris began. Suddenly, she felt a fist smack her in the ribs. Aeris choked in surprise and fell forward.  
  
"You are dying here! And you will watch the glory of my computer genius!" Hojo screamed.  
  
"Oh great... He's going Jenova again..." Aeris moaned. She winced at the pain in her side. Hojo raised his arm to knock Aeris unconscious. Aeris rolled out of the way and pulled out a piece of red materia.  
  
"Bahamut! I choose you!" Aeris threw the summon materia, which clattered beside Hojo.  
  
"Fools! You can't beat-" Bahamut spit a Mega Flare at him. Hojo screamed as he was thrown back into the complex. Aeris pulled out her White Materia.  
  
"Did that hurt?" Aeris asked.  
  
"All answers point to yes," the materia read. Aeris recalled Bahamut and turned around to see the helicopter gone.  
  
"Oh... Fudge..." Aeris moaned. "Now how are we going to escape..." Aeris looked around. Then she checked her bag. "Hey! I know..."  
  
  
  
"You know Cloud... I still believe that was you in Nibelheim five years ago..." Sephiroth taunted him from an unseen place. Cloud looked around, ready to fight.  
  
"Oh? Why do you say that?" Cloud shouted.  
  
"Because you were a lucky fool. But your luck has run out!" Sephiroth came flying down. Cloud countered the attack with his sword and regained his position. "Your luck has run out!" Cloud and Sephiroth began a fierce sword battle as they went deeper into the shed. In the background, Obi Wan and Qui Gon were busy battling Darth Maul. (Do I really have to cite this?)  
  
"Fool! You are a clone! I'm the real thing!" Sephiroth went to stab Cloud but missed. Sephiroth swung the sword back and knocked Cloud's sword to the side. Cloud lunged to get it, but Sephiroth guarded the weapon. "Now I have you!" Sephiroth went to deliver the final blow but missed and plunged the sword into the controls of the satellite.  
  
  
  
"Satellite Error!!?!?!!" Hojo screamed as the satellite nearly reached 100%. The screen started to fill up with red letters. Slowly the message, 'You Shall Be As Gods,' filled the entire monitor. (Xenogears)  
  
  
  
Cloud picked up his sword and slashed Sephiroth in the side with it. Sephiroth screamed as he left his Masamune stuck in the machine. Sephiroth pulled out a new Masamune from his cloak.  
  
"How many of those freaking things do you have?" Cloud said in disbelief.  
  
"As many as it needs to kill you!" Sephiroth retreated down the stairs in the middle of the shed and outside. Cloud jumped down and followed in close pursuit. "I knew I should have used a Mastered Deathblow materia..." Sephiroth muttered. Sephiroth quickly descended a ladder and landed on a platform in the center of the satellite dish. Cloud followed but wasn't fast enough to deal with Sephiroth upon reaching the bottom. Sephiroth punched him off the ladder, knocking the Buster Sword off the platform. Sephiroth raised his Masamune for a killing blow.   
  
"Time to Die!" Sephiroth shouted mimicking Ghaleon.  
  
"Althena! Lend me your power!" Cloud shouted. (Lunar SSS)  
  
Cloud tripped him midway. Sephiroth screamed as he nearly fell off the side. Cloud grabbed his hand.  
  
"So... For the Planet, Cloud?" Sephiroth coughed.  
  
"No... For me..." Cloud let go of Sephiroth's hand. Sephiroth screamed as he fell down countless feet into the satellite dish.  
  
  
  
"I almost have it... I almost have it..." Hojo typed away at the computer.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Goldenmateria systems failure. Atmosphere decomposition has reached maximum velocity. Satellite failure imminent. The satellite groaned as the satellite caught fire. Two panels tore off the solar collectors. I... feel... happy... Lucca... Thank you for showing me these emotions... (Chrono Trigger)  
  
  
  
"Wooheehoo!" Aeris flew by on a Black Chocobo. Aeris held up a piece of 'Chocobo Lure' materia triumphantly. She flew in and Cloud grabbed onto the chocobo.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile... At the bottom of the satellite dish...  
  
  
  
"Oww... What did I do last night..." Sephiroth groaned. He coughed as he rubbed his head. "It feels like I got hit by a truck like Palmer..." Suddenly, realization came to Sephiroth. He shook his head. "Cloud!? He's going to win!! I think it's time for me to use my true power!"  
  
Sephiroth pulled out the Zodiac stone, Serphentina. "I summon the unholy powers of-" Sephiroth gasped as he felt a shadow fall over him. He looked up just as a chunk of the satellite dish crashed on top of him. (Final Fantasy Tactics) Just then, Grahf rushed in on Alpha Weltall. Grahf stomped his foot.  
  
"Damn! I knew he could have used the power!" Grahf groaned. "And I got all dressed up for nothing!" (Xenogears)  
  
  
  
Hojo stood up in victory. "Yes! I have victoriously overwritten all of Aeris' programming!" (Hey! You're just supposed to say, 'I'm invincible' and become a popsicle!) Hojo narrowed his eyes. "And what if I don't?" (Then we get a stand in!)  
  
"Yes! I'm invincible!" Yuffie jumped next to Hojo.  
  
"Huh?" Hojo said in alarm. The nitrogen tanks exploded and they were both frozen solid. A few seconds later, Cait Sith ran in.  
  
"Hey! I'm invincible too!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Nothing happened. "Oh! I wanted to be a popsicle too!" He looked at Yuffie and laughed. "Hehehe! It's Yuffie the Snowman!" Cait Sith wrapped a scarf around her neck and put a corncob pipe in her mouth. (I lied about Yuffie not appearing again. Sorry. ^_^)  
  
  
  
"Oh Cloud! You actually weren't that stupid in this fanfic!" Aeris hugged Cloud when they landed. "You were actually... pretty hot!"  
  
"What? You mean I- Oh... Of course. Anything for you Aeris!" Cloud was finally getting ready for his big moment. "And now let's-"  
  
"Don't even #^$&*#* think about it," Cid walked in. Aeris and Cloud turned to see Cid, Barret and other members of AVALANCHE.  
  
"Oh! I was so close!" Cloud moaned.  
  
"Yeah... right..." Barret laughed.   
  
"Well! How about a kiss?" Cloud pleaded Aeris. "They do that in the movie!" Aeris pulled out her White Materia.  
  
"Let's ask?" Aeris tossed it in the air and caught it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Screen goes black.  
  
James Bond Theme cues up...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The List of Editor's Cuts:  
  
1. Yuffie was supposed to sing the 'Golden Materia' theme song in the beginning... But we didn't want readers to spontaneously burst into flames. (Parasite Eve)  
  
2. Cloud was supposed to catch the Knights of the Round in a Summon/Poké Ball, but Sir Lancelot refused to get shoved in a ball with King Arthur.  
  
3. The stunt man soldier, the one that kept getting killed, was supposed to die a few thousand more times. A few examples are: Getting hit by Yuffie's car, getting brutally beaten at the casino, getting killed on the ship, getting killed in the jungle, etc...  
  
"Hey! What about the materia what did it-" Cloud began and was silenced.  
  
4. We were going to wait a year and then release this as 'Final Fantasy 007: Goldenmateria, Complete.' You would have gotten a music soundtrack, a place mat of the logo, and a making of the fanfic CD. Sigh...  
  
5. The fanfic's font was going to be completely gold... But it caused seizures during testing.  
  
6. This fanfic was going to be MOD chip compatible. You could use it on your Japanese computer!  
  
7. We were going to wait until 9/9/99 for this one, but I don't think this can compete with Dreamcast or Final Fantasy VIII. Well... Maybe...  
  
8. Speaking of Final Fantasy VIII, we were going to have every spoiler imaginable in every line of this fanfic. Then I realized I couldn't Japanese... ^_^ Hey! It looked so simple!  
  
"Wait a second! What did the mater-" Cloud is silenced again.  
  
9. We were going to have a Gold and Silver version of this fanfic. If you link them up, you'd get the entire story. But we decided to spare you the agony and put it in one fanfic. (Actually, I was too lazy to ZIP both of them)  
  
10. This fanfic was supposed to be Dual Shock compatible. You could actually feel the explosions. Damn budget cuts...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"So!? What did it say!? What did it say!!?" Cloud ran onto the screen. Aeris walked out with the White Materia.  
"It said... You get a kiss!" Aeris replied.  
  
"Woohoo!" Cloud jumped into the air. "OK! Here I come!" The screen fades out as Cloud runs toward Aeris. Cloud kisses Aeris.  
  
"Wooheehoo!" Aeris chirped.  
  
"Huh?" Cloud looks to realize he wasn't kissing Aeris. "Eww! God!" Cloud pushed the Black Chocobo away. "That's not fair! Aeris!!!" Cloud runs off screen as the chocobo chases after him.  
  
  
  
  
  
Greetings,  
  
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed my latest fanfic. Now, Yuffie is going to sing 'Eyes on Me.'  
  
(Just kidding!) 


End file.
